Tag: Tough Conversations

  • How To Talk to Those Who Disagree with You—and Still Love Them

    How To Talk to Those Who Disagree with You—and Still Love Them

    Two people having a conversation at a table.
    Photo by Christina Morillo on Pexels.

    A few years ago, during a Saturday session of my doctoral class called “Critical Issues in Educational Leadership,” we compared charter versus public schools, a controversial topic in the education sphere. Our conversation sparked a heated debate between two students, one of whom was the principal of a public school in Harlem and the other an assistant principal of a charter school in the Bronx. 

    I watched the debate with rapt attention, on the edge of my seat. The verbal sparring was elegant. Back and forth I moved my head, as if I were witnessing two seasoned tennis players duking it out in the U.S. Open finals.

    I don’t remember the exact arguments they made. But what I do remember is that right after the class broke for lunch, one of the debaters said to the other, “Do you want a burger and fries or pizza?” The other replied, “How about we each get something different and split?” And off they went to enjoy lunch as if nothing ever happened between them.

    The ease with which they switched from debaters to friends made me realize how desperately we need to revive congenial civility at a minimum and open-hearted, deep discussions at best. It’s okay if our loved ones don’t think like we do. But, instead of ignoring “taboo” topics, we should be able to talk about them without getting into shouting matches or arguments.  

    So, how can we disagree with others and still love them?

    Normalize discussions where we disagree by approaching each person as a child of God

    Growing up, my parents frequently hosted dinner parties for their friends. At every gathering, without fail, they would eventually tread into what we now consider stormy waters: religion, current events, history, and politics. And every gathering, they would engage in an all-out heated debate. After they aired their opinions, they would laugh and happily accept my mom’s offer of “Who wants cake?”

    Reminiscing on my childhood makes me long for a time when political or other serious discussions could be just another topic of conversation like books, movies, and the weather. I think we can open ourselves to serious topics — and actually enjoy discussing them — by practicing having candid, calm conversations without getting our hackles up. In this way, we are not only hearing each other out respectfully but learning about other points of view, which is at the heart of being a good citizen and a good person.

    A positive start to entertaining sticky conversations is to approach others the way God sees them: as his own precious children whom he knew even before birth (Jeremiah 1:5). If we look at someone we disagree with through the eyes of our loving Father, how can we not be moved to open our hearts? We can let our guard down and be a little more patient, kind, and merciful. 

    In high school, my friends and I would gather daily at a cafeteria lunch table and hash out various controversial topics: abortion, gun control, euthanasia, the Iraq War, and more. Sometimes, things got heated (and sometimes we were nerdy enough to prepare research for our discussions), but I can never recall a time when we crossed a boundary into personal attacks or made anyone feel lesser for thinking differently. In fact, we celebrated that we all disagreed because it made the conversation more stimulating and lunchtime more fun.

    I think today sometimes we forget to separate the perspective from the person. Everyone has a right to their own opinion, even if it differs from ours. 

    When our loved ones think differently about an important issue, it may feel like a personal affront. We want them to believe what we do, especially if what they believe appears antithetical to our Christian beliefs. But more likely than not, they aren’t disagreeing with us because they want to harm us. They have reasons for believing what they believe, and we need to be open-minded to hear them out. Trying to convince someone without listening to them is like shouting down a well: We only hear our own voice echoing back at us.  

    We can approach difficult conversations more calmly when we view each other as human beings who deserve decency and dignity. As children of God, God loves each one of us and invites us to his heart – no matter where we are or what we think. 

    Replace rage masquerading as passion with patience

    Oftentimes, the issues we are passionate about stem from deeper personal experiences, struggles, or trauma in our lives. As such, it can make us feel angry when others don’t see things our way. Channeled appropriately, anger can drive us to positive action. Anger is a normal emotional response that can be healthy when handled well. But if we masquerade our rage as “passion,” then we’re in trouble. Because it’s one thing to be deeply involved and concerned about something. It’s another thing to be belligerent or derogatory about it.

    For example, my mom and I once stood in line to take the East River Ferry to Manhattan. We were speaking in Polish. A man in back of us, angry at the state of immigration, said loudly to his friend, “These Polaks should go back to their own country” and proceeded to expand on the various reasons why immigrants, in his worldview, were detrimental to our country.

    Now, it’s one thing to hold the opinion that immigration systemically weakens a nation. But it’s another to insult or denigrate others because of this view.

    My mom and I decided the best course of action for us was to ignore him. We wouldn’t let him ruin a perfectly beautiful summer day, and arguing with a stranger would hardly be productive. I secretly wanted to wallop him, but, thank God, I had the restraint not to do so. 

    There are some practical things we can do to catch ourselves before our passion turns into proverbial road rage. Take a deep breath. Pause. Say a little prayer. Maybe not every conversation has to come to a close. Maybe we can pick up later when we’ve had time to breathe, especially if someone says something that’s offensive to us. If we feel comfortable, we can pause and tell the person how we feel or wait for another day to do so calmly. More often than not, if they are our friends or loved ones, they will hear us out. 

    At the end of the day, we should remember:

    It’s okay not to have the last word.

    It’s okay not to persuade someone to your point of view. 

    It’s okay not to “win.” 

    Because if all we try to do is “win,” then we lose the greatest thing of all: our capacity for kindness. Patience. Mercy. Love. 

    Our nation is deeply divided. But having conversations – no matter how small – can help narrow the divide, bring healing through understanding, and make our communities and country stronger. And that’s a real win.

  • 7 Steps for Navigating Challenging Conversations

    7 Steps for Navigating Challenging Conversations

    Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

    From the time I was young, I was taught that there are two subjects that should never be discussed in mixed company: religion and politics. The last thing my parents wanted spoiling a nice evening with friends or relatives was a heated debate over contentious issues. As kids, my sister and I learned to limit our topics of conversation to what we were learning in school and the movies we had recently seen.

    What was a successful strategy for managing dinner parties, though, may not be an ideal goal in other contexts. Simply avoiding a difficult topic doesn’t make it go away. But talking about controversial subjects in the usual I’m-right-and-you’re-stupid manner we see every time we turn on the TV or open the newspaper doesn’t either. The unrest over racial justice we’ve witnessed during the past several months and the divisive, mean-spirited rhetoric that characterizes our political discourse today make it painfully clear that we have a long way to go in “loving our neighbors” if we can’t even talk with them.    

    LISTEN: Handling Post-Election Family Arguments

    But it doesn’t have to be that way. Like anything else that’s challenging, talking with people who are different from us – in terms of race, religion, socioeconomic status, political views – requires the careful use of specific skills to be successful. The book, Crucial Conversations, outlines several of these important skills. At work, I was part of a group of managers who were trained on these skills in a corporate setting to help us have the tough conversations we needed to have with employees we supervise. Through that experience, I began to realize that my parents’ approach to talking with guests is not the way to understand and connect with someone who is important to me whose views are very different from my own.  

    1. Know when it’s crucial

    A “crucial conversation” involves three key elements: differing opinions, strong emotions, and high stakes. Certainly, conversations involving differing views on race and politics can be considered “crucial.” Others include things like ending a relationship or addressing someone who has hurt us. The authors argue that whenever we find ourselves “stuck,” there is a crucial conversation that we are either doing poorly or avoiding altogether.  

    2. Be clear on motive

    To be successful, both parties need to share the same goal. If my goal in talking with you is to “win a debate” or to “prove that I’m right,” then I’m not ready to have a crucial conversation. If, on the other hand, I truly want to understand your point of view and want you to understand mine and if we both want to find a solution that works for each of us, then we are ready.

    3. Start with observable facts

    The best way to open the conversation is with indisputable facts. If I tell my boss, “I think you are prejudiced against the black females in our department,” I have begun with a negative opinion that will put him or her immediately on the defensive. Instead, if I start with, “I see that the last five people promoted in our department were all white and four of them were male,” then there is nothing to dispute.  Starting with verifiable facts gets the conversation going in the right direction.

    LISTEN: Mary Ann Steutermann Talks About How to Have Crucial Conversations

    4. Then, tell your story

    The authors argue that every issue has two components: the facts and “the story we tell ourselves about the facts.” Therefore, I should follow my fact-sharing with, “The story I tell myself about those promotions is that black females in our department don’t have the same shot at advancement as white males do. Is that how you interpret the situation or is there another way to look at it?” This allows me to put forward my viewpoint but in a way that leaves the door to other interpretations. It’s important to ask for the other person’s “story” too, not just advance our own.

    5. Beware of “silence” and “violence”

    The key to a productive conversation is for each person to feel “safe” throughout, meaning that each person feels respected, and both parties share a common goal. When people start to feel unsafe, they either become “silent” by holding back or “violent” by resorting to insults or accusations. If I see any of these signs, I must pull back from the conversation to get it back to a place of safety for both of us.

    6. Restore mutual respect

    If I have created an unsafe environment by being disrespectful, then the only way to fix it is to sincerely apologize with something like, “I’m sorry. I should not have said that you are biased. Really, you are a very fair boss which is evident by the way you manage the vacation schedule and holiday hours.” When we are wrong, we need to own it. 

    But sometimes we haven’t done anything wrong; we’ve just been misinterpreted. In these instances, the skill to use is “contrasting,” where we make it clear what we are NOT trying to say. If my boss thinks I have judged him as a poor leader, he will feel unsafe and not want to continue the conversation. But I can avoid this by saying, “I don’t mean to suggest that you are not a great manager. Our department has been at least twice as productive since you have been in the role, and I am happy to come to work each day. I just think that we may need to look at how promotions are decided with an eye toward race and gender.”  

    7. Restore mutual purpose

    Another way that people begin to feel unsafe in a crucial conversation is when it starts to appear that we no longer share the same purpose.  Continually affirming the common goal can help avoid the fear of hidden agendas. When we take a step back to remember where we do agree, it’s easier to address the areas where we don’t.

    My parents probably had the right idea in teaching me not to bring up difficult topics at parties with their friends. But what works at the dinner table in mixed company does not work to help us heal some of the brokenness among us. True, having crucial conversations with those we care about can be very challenging.  But by using these skills, we can “love our neighbor” in positive, practical ways that unite rather than divide. 

     

    Originally published on Nov 4, 2020.