A few years ago, during a Saturday session of my doctoral class called “Critical Issues in Educational Leadership,” we compared charter versus public schools, a controversial topic in the education sphere. Our conversation sparked a heated debate between two students, one of whom was the principal of a public school in Harlem and the other an assistant principal of a charter school in the Bronx.
I watched the debate with rapt attention, on the edge of my seat. The verbal sparring was elegant. Back and forth I moved my head, as if I were witnessing two seasoned tennis players duking it out in the U.S. Open finals.
I don’t remember the exact arguments they made. But what I do remember is that right after the class broke for lunch, one of the debaters said to the other, “Do you want a burger and fries or pizza?” The other replied, “How about we each get something different and split?” And off they went to enjoy lunch as if nothing ever happened between them.
The ease with which they switched from debaters to friends made me realize how desperately we need to revive congenial civility at a minimum and open-hearted, deep discussions at best. It’s okay if our loved ones don’t think like we do. But, instead of ignoring “taboo” topics, we should be able to talk about them without getting into shouting matches or arguments.
So, how can we disagree with others and still love them?
Normalize discussions where we disagree by approaching each person as a child of God
Growing up, my parents frequently hosted dinner parties for their friends. At every gathering, without fail, they would eventually tread into what we now consider stormy waters: religion, current events, history, and politics. And every gathering, they would engage in an all-out heated debate. After they aired their opinions, they would laugh and happily accept my mom’s offer of “Who wants cake?”
Reminiscing on my childhood makes me long for a time when political or other serious discussions could be just another topic of conversation like books, movies, and the weather. I think we can open ourselves to serious topics — and actually enjoy discussing them — by practicing having candid, calm conversations without getting our hackles up. In this way, we are not only hearing each other out respectfully but learning about other points of view, which is at the heart of being a good citizen and a good person.
A positive start to entertaining sticky conversations is to approach others the way God sees them: as his own precious children whom he knew even before birth (Jeremiah 1:5). If we look at someone we disagree with through the eyes of our loving Father, how can we not be moved to open our hearts? We can let our guard down and be a little more patient, kind, and merciful.
In high school, my friends and I would gather daily at a cafeteria lunch table and hash out various controversial topics: abortion, gun control, euthanasia, the Iraq War, and more. Sometimes, things got heated (and sometimes we were nerdy enough to prepare research for our discussions), but I can never recall a time when we crossed a boundary into personal attacks or made anyone feel lesser for thinking differently. In fact, we celebrated that we all disagreed because it made the conversation more stimulating and lunchtime more fun.
I think today sometimes we forget to separate the perspective from the person. Everyone has a right to their own opinion, even if it differs from ours.
When our loved ones think differently about an important issue, it may feel like a personal affront. We want them to believe what we do, especially if what they believe appears antithetical to our Christian beliefs. But more likely than not, they aren’t disagreeing with us because they want to harm us. They have reasons for believing what they believe, and we need to be open-minded to hear them out. Trying to convince someone without listening to them is like shouting down a well: We only hear our own voice echoing back at us.
We can approach difficult conversations more calmly when we view each other as human beings who deserve decency and dignity. As children of God, God loves each one of us and invites us to his heart – no matter where we are or what we think.
Replace rage masquerading as passion with patience
Oftentimes, the issues we are passionate about stem from deeper personal experiences, struggles, or trauma in our lives. As such, it can make us feel angry when others don’t see things our way. Channeled appropriately, anger can drive us to positive action. Anger is a normal emotional response that can be healthy when handled well. But if we masquerade our rage as “passion,” then we’re in trouble. Because it’s one thing to be deeply involved and concerned about something. It’s another thing to be belligerent or derogatory about it.
For example, my mom and I once stood in line to take the East River Ferry to Manhattan. We were speaking in Polish. A man in back of us, angry at the state of immigration, said loudly to his friend, “These Polaks should go back to their own country” and proceeded to expand on the various reasons why immigrants, in his worldview, were detrimental to our country.
Now, it’s one thing to hold the opinion that immigration systemically weakens a nation. But it’s another to insult or denigrate others because of this view.
My mom and I decided the best course of action for us was to ignore him. We wouldn’t let him ruin a perfectly beautiful summer day, and arguing with a stranger would hardly be productive. I secretly wanted to wallop him, but, thank God, I had the restraint not to do so.
There are some practical things we can do to catch ourselves before our passion turns into proverbial road rage. Take a deep breath. Pause. Say a little prayer. Maybe not every conversation has to come to a close. Maybe we can pick up later when we’ve had time to breathe, especially if someone says something that’s offensive to us. If we feel comfortable, we can pause and tell the person how we feel or wait for another day to do so calmly. More often than not, if they are our friends or loved ones, they will hear us out.
At the end of the day, we should remember:
It’s okay not to have the last word.
It’s okay not to persuade someone to your point of view.
It’s okay not to “win.”
Because if all we try to do is “win,” then we lose the greatest thing of all: our capacity for kindness. Patience. Mercy. Love.
Our nation is deeply divided. But having conversations – no matter how small – can help narrow the divide, bring healing through understanding, and make our communities and country stronger. And that’s a real win.
